is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
