I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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