Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
and you fell through a lawn chair
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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