I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
