I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
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i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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