Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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