to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
not ubering you a puppy
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
