Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
