When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
