I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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