Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
only if we run a train.
done.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
