dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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