My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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