I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
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I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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