God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
