If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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