i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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