we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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