Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
