am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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