Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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