that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
