My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
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Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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