her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
