: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
