best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
