to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
