There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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