my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
