Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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