Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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