please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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