it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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