I am puke
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
