I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm sobbing to NWA
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
