i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
