I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
