there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
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So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
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everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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