So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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