It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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