oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
