i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
