Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
