I met the friendliest cop last night
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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