you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
