But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
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the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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