My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
