come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
