One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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