I am puke
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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