You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
