Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
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