I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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