Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
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I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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