LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
