When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
