my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
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Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
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Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We smell like vodka and hangover
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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