I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
