I met the friendliest cop last night
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
