I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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