My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
