My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
