you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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