Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
