i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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