So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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